My 3rd and my 4th

On Monday my poor 3rd child got a stomach bug. He couldn't keep anything down all day. At first I tried a little Sprite, and then later I tried some Gatorade. By the way, the Gatorade was blue. Think about that for a minute.


See how sad!?

Anyway, so I couldn't give him anything and it wasn't until the next morning that I dared give him something to eat. So he hadn't had anything since lunch on Saturday. He didn't eat dinner the night before, foreshadowing perhaps? So I was getting a little worried. He was so weak Tuesday morning, I decided to wait a little bit longer before I tried to give him anything.
Apparently, he was ready to eat because he got off my lap and pulled me upstairs and climbed into his booster seat. He must have been really hungry since I know he was really weak. So I dared to give him some Cheerios and water and a little bit more Gatorade. After waiting anxiously I decided he wasn't going to loose it. What a huge relief!

This event and the emotions surrounding it were made more intense because I started bleeding Friday night.(Sorry, no pictures) By Saturday night it was pretty clear that things were not okay. By Tuesday night I had officially had my 4th miscarriage. Knowing this made me hug Brigham longer. He is so precious to me. All my boys are. Brigham especially reminds me of this since he was my last successful attempt at bringing children into our family. The whole time he was sick I was reminded of how fragile life can be, how things don't always go as planned, and how sometimes we are left wondering if our prayers will be answered.
I read a blog the other day of another mother who was going through some tough trials. While at the gym she noticed a bird outside trying desperately to fly forward in the face of some powerful wind. The bird was flying as fast as she could but was making no progress. When I read that I wanted to shout "YES!" That is exactly how I feel about the last three years of my life.
If I'm honest with myself, I'd have to say that I have felt that Heavenly Father knows my trials and I can imagine him saying softly to me to just be patient. At the same time He has definitely let go of the bike, so to speak. I'm doing my best to keep moving on my own, but I can hear Him from behind telling me to keep going, just a little farther, you're almost there.

I'm handling this all pretty well actually. I really should be devastated, but after a day or two I'm ready to get on with it. This is not to say that it wasn't extremely painful, emotionally, even now. I guess I'm just not the type to stay down for very long. As long as I've got a uterus, I'm going to keep trying. What can I say, I'm an optimist.
So if you're wondering what to say next time you see me, you don't need to say much. Just give me a hug so I know you're thinking of me. And if you want to bring me a plate of cookies to cheer me up when it's hard to be optimistic, that would be okay too.